I was pulling for the Saints to win the Superbowl tonight, and by golly, they did! Poignant was this moment for the whole city of New Orleans and the gulf coast that was rampaged by hurricanes four and a half years ago. Our local news interviewed people in our area who were transplanted by Katrina and revealed the powerful, emotional impact this win had on them.
As the Saints won their division and moved forward to the Superbowl, the impact of Katrina could not be left behind. It followed them all the way. And every time it was mentioned, my own, personal emotions of those days flooded back to me. That was also the time a Level Five hurricane came into our lives, the lives of my girls and me, and devastated us to depths and levels we are still discovering today. That was the time my ex decided it was over, moved out, and filed for divorce.
I pleaded, pleaded, pleaded to God to not let this have to be. I knew the devastation to come upon my children. I knew we were about to fracture their hearts and souls in ways that would never completely heal. And I'll never forget my girls when we told them ... the tears ... the deep, guttural sobs ... my Oldest running upstairs to her room and holding a pic of all four of us and crying from the depths of her soul. The pain and destruction swept in and covered us, drowned us, destroyed everything we knew and every hope we ever had. Our whole lives were relocated from what God designed marriage and family to be ... to Satan winning yet another battle in the destruction of a family - a deserted wasteland in the aftermath of such horrible devestation.
My girls and I still have times when we cry these same tears. The pain continues. Scars and wounds and pain and fracture and struggling to rebuild and allow God to heal have become our "normal." How good God is to give us Superbowl Wins! They give us something to cheer about! To live for! They bring healing to our wounds and meaning to our scars and peace to our souls ... for they tangibly reveal to us the never ending truth ... that God truly is Sovereign and that God will never leave nor forsake us ... truths He gently reveals to our struggling souls because of His great love for us. Thank You, God; thank You, Ame
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
working on it
workin on my piece for this month's women's newsletter at church ... hope to have it completed this weekend as she wants it by tuesday ;)
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
2010
I've thought to write this out but haven't got to it yet.
When thinking of this New Year and any goals, there's really only one. Move Forward.
My life has been so difficult for so long ... so much to dredge through and work through ... so much put on hold or let go of ... so much time spent just surviving. It's an awkward place to be ... like learning to walk again ... trying to figure out who I am and where I am and where I'm going.
For the first time in my life, I am safe. My parents were not safe, my ex was not safe, being a single mom was absolutely terrible for me ... but my new, Country Man husband - he, is safe. And as awkward as this sounds, I'm having to learn how to live in a safe environment. What a blessing to have SUCH an amazing and patient husband to be there for me!
So, rather than just surviving ... rather than just existing ... rather than just trying to make it through the next five minutes ... I'm in a place where I'm able to look forward.
2010 ... a new decade ... a new year ... a new life ... a time and a season, to Move Forward. Baby steps is all I can do right now, and I'm falling down a lot. But I'm moving forward :). And that is nice :).
When thinking of this New Year and any goals, there's really only one. Move Forward.
My life has been so difficult for so long ... so much to dredge through and work through ... so much put on hold or let go of ... so much time spent just surviving. It's an awkward place to be ... like learning to walk again ... trying to figure out who I am and where I am and where I'm going.
For the first time in my life, I am safe. My parents were not safe, my ex was not safe, being a single mom was absolutely terrible for me ... but my new, Country Man husband - he, is safe. And as awkward as this sounds, I'm having to learn how to live in a safe environment. What a blessing to have SUCH an amazing and patient husband to be there for me!
So, rather than just surviving ... rather than just existing ... rather than just trying to make it through the next five minutes ... I'm in a place where I'm able to look forward.
2010 ... a new decade ... a new year ... a new life ... a time and a season, to Move Forward. Baby steps is all I can do right now, and I'm falling down a lot. But I'm moving forward :). And that is nice :).
Monday, February 1, 2010
POW
I reconnected with some 'old' friends on facebook today ... kids grown and graduated from college ... one has kids of their own ... mine were babies last we saw them. As I thought about years past ... and the pictures she had up depicting the years hence ... and what I've been through with the divorce ... I thought of the analogy of prisoner of war.
My friends moved on with their life.
I was sucked into a horrible hell that drained the life out of me, one which is taking so much longer to recover from than I could ever have anticipated, and one that affected me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, and socially. It wasn't a vacation. It wasn't a coma. It was hell.
Now I'm slowly re-emerging into society ... a world that has moved forward and changed since I've been "gone" ... a place where I have yet to figure out where I belong. And I'm discovering that though the wounds are healing, the scars will remain, forever, and I will never get those years back. They are gone.
I am thankful for a God who redeems, heals, loves, cares, and never, ever, ever leaves me ... not then ... not now ... not ever.
My friends moved on with their life.
I was sucked into a horrible hell that drained the life out of me, one which is taking so much longer to recover from than I could ever have anticipated, and one that affected me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, and socially. It wasn't a vacation. It wasn't a coma. It was hell.
Now I'm slowly re-emerging into society ... a world that has moved forward and changed since I've been "gone" ... a place where I have yet to figure out where I belong. And I'm discovering that though the wounds are healing, the scars will remain, forever, and I will never get those years back. They are gone.
I am thankful for a God who redeems, heals, loves, cares, and never, ever, ever leaves me ... not then ... not now ... not ever.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Vision and Eyesight
"Vision and eyesight ... are two different things.
Vision is a learned skill,
just like learning to walk ... ."
~
What if this is what you saw when reading?
What if this is what you saw when reading?
.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thoughts Running Through My Mind . . .
Some thoughts as I’m going through this day and this week …
It doesn’t matter how children are educated, parents need to be involved. I am thankful that I am my Special Need’s Daughter’s Mother. She is where she is because of my diligence. Not a week goes by that I am not in contact with at least one of her teachers (she has many) by either email or phone or in person or a combo of all three.
Once again we are needing to re-evaluate where she is and consider more testing for discernment and direction. It is often difficult to ‘diagnose’ issues because my daughter doesn’t know any different; this is how it’s always been for her. Helping her is like putting together a 5000 piece puzzle one piece at a time. Every piece is important. Often we cannot see the picture we are creating until several little pieces are in place, then we can see that it’s a flower or a bird or a grasshopper. We do not have the final picture to look at; only God has that. So we rely on Him to guide and direct us.
I am greatly attuned to my daughter and every tiny change in her life. I can tell exactly where she is in her mind and how she’s feeling and how she’s going to respond by looking at her eyes and face, even if just for a second. I have made great sacrifices to stay home with my girls. Even now I am looking for a job where I can be home when they are home because my daughter truly needs me, and it is difficult to find such a position (prayers for this would be appreciated).
I have often been told over the years by many in the field of education and medicine (where I spend a lot of my time with her), “Wow, you really know your child!” This baffles me and saddens me. Of course I know my child, and yet how sad so many children are not known by their own parents.
The other thought rumbling through my heart and mind this week is that parents cannot leave the spiritual education and training of our children in the hands of anyone else; this, too, is the parents’ responsibility.
My Oldest began Youth Group at our church for the first time this past Sunday and Wednesday, and she is reading through the Left Behind for Kids series (at lightening speed). We have had multiple discussions of both. I am thankful our new youth pastor is focusing on Bible study. She learned great truths at both meetings (one for all youth and one broken down for just middle school). She is a deep thinker and is really dwelling on what she is learning.
I have spent an enormous amount of time one-on-one with each of my girls. This has been intentional. This has also cost me a lot of sleep and very often a clean house. But the rewards are priceless. I will never have the days past with my girls again to influence them, to be there for them, to love them, to train them. So I take advantage of every moment possible. As has been our routine since birth, I spend time alone with each daughter every day. Since the divorce, this has been at bedtime. Now, as I’m spending time with my Oldest at night in the beginning of these teenage years, she is beginning to really “get” what she is learning, ingesting it into her life, into her mind and heart and thoughts. Watching that and being a part of that is absolutely priceless.
If I did not spend the time with her and did not feel responsible for her spiritual training, I would miss infinite opportunities to teach her about God and His purposes for her life … and she would miss applying these truths to her life in such personal and intimate ways. No one knows her like I do, so no one is able to take what she is learning and guide her to apply it in such specific ways or to understand it in such specific ways. It’s really, really cool.
My prayer has been, “Lord, raise me up and enable me to be and become the Mommy for my daughter that You need me to be just for her.” My girls need me to be their personal Mommy … not to fit them into some generic mold. I love how God answers this and works this out in my life.
*disclaimer – I am NOT the perfect mom! My girls can give you a long and distinguished list of my imperfections. But I strive to be a mom who allows God to work in and through me to be and become the Mommy each of my daughters needs me to be. (And chocolate during PMS goes a looong looong way ;).
It doesn’t matter how children are educated, parents need to be involved. I am thankful that I am my Special Need’s Daughter’s Mother. She is where she is because of my diligence. Not a week goes by that I am not in contact with at least one of her teachers (she has many) by either email or phone or in person or a combo of all three.
Once again we are needing to re-evaluate where she is and consider more testing for discernment and direction. It is often difficult to ‘diagnose’ issues because my daughter doesn’t know any different; this is how it’s always been for her. Helping her is like putting together a 5000 piece puzzle one piece at a time. Every piece is important. Often we cannot see the picture we are creating until several little pieces are in place, then we can see that it’s a flower or a bird or a grasshopper. We do not have the final picture to look at; only God has that. So we rely on Him to guide and direct us.
I am greatly attuned to my daughter and every tiny change in her life. I can tell exactly where she is in her mind and how she’s feeling and how she’s going to respond by looking at her eyes and face, even if just for a second. I have made great sacrifices to stay home with my girls. Even now I am looking for a job where I can be home when they are home because my daughter truly needs me, and it is difficult to find such a position (prayers for this would be appreciated).
I have often been told over the years by many in the field of education and medicine (where I spend a lot of my time with her), “Wow, you really know your child!” This baffles me and saddens me. Of course I know my child, and yet how sad so many children are not known by their own parents.
The other thought rumbling through my heart and mind this week is that parents cannot leave the spiritual education and training of our children in the hands of anyone else; this, too, is the parents’ responsibility.
My Oldest began Youth Group at our church for the first time this past Sunday and Wednesday, and she is reading through the Left Behind for Kids series (at lightening speed). We have had multiple discussions of both. I am thankful our new youth pastor is focusing on Bible study. She learned great truths at both meetings (one for all youth and one broken down for just middle school). She is a deep thinker and is really dwelling on what she is learning.
I have spent an enormous amount of time one-on-one with each of my girls. This has been intentional. This has also cost me a lot of sleep and very often a clean house. But the rewards are priceless. I will never have the days past with my girls again to influence them, to be there for them, to love them, to train them. So I take advantage of every moment possible. As has been our routine since birth, I spend time alone with each daughter every day. Since the divorce, this has been at bedtime. Now, as I’m spending time with my Oldest at night in the beginning of these teenage years, she is beginning to really “get” what she is learning, ingesting it into her life, into her mind and heart and thoughts. Watching that and being a part of that is absolutely priceless.
If I did not spend the time with her and did not feel responsible for her spiritual training, I would miss infinite opportunities to teach her about God and His purposes for her life … and she would miss applying these truths to her life in such personal and intimate ways. No one knows her like I do, so no one is able to take what she is learning and guide her to apply it in such specific ways or to understand it in such specific ways. It’s really, really cool.
My prayer has been, “Lord, raise me up and enable me to be and become the Mommy for my daughter that You need me to be just for her.” My girls need me to be their personal Mommy … not to fit them into some generic mold. I love how God answers this and works this out in my life.
*disclaimer – I am NOT the perfect mom! My girls can give you a long and distinguished list of my imperfections. But I strive to be a mom who allows God to work in and through me to be and become the Mommy each of my daughters needs me to be. (And chocolate during PMS goes a looong looong way ;).
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Youth Group
The new Youth Pastor has been hired ... his wife has had her baby ... they are settling in. And I like the guy. So Oldest went to her first youth group Sunday night and second Wed night. Sunday night is 6th thru 12th combined; Wed night they split Middle School and High School.
And I have to say, this is FUN!!! She comes bounding out of the building, laughing and giggling, being every bit the young teenage girl that she is! I love how she's growing up, thinking, learning, mulling things over, dwelling on them, allowing them to sink into who she is.
When my girls were babies I would look at older children and wonder how they could be as wonderful as my little babies! What has been the most delightful part of Mommy-ing is how much I Love Love LOVE every stage of their lives (well, we could skip the 3's, but that's another story - grumps and grrr's to all the mom's who didn't warn me about them b4 i got there!).
I've spent hours of one-on-one time with each of my girls, and it's paying off. My daughter will sit and talk to me and open her heart to me. I LOVE every moment of their lives and being their Mom!
And I have to say, this is FUN!!! She comes bounding out of the building, laughing and giggling, being every bit the young teenage girl that she is! I love how she's growing up, thinking, learning, mulling things over, dwelling on them, allowing them to sink into who she is.
When my girls were babies I would look at older children and wonder how they could be as wonderful as my little babies! What has been the most delightful part of Mommy-ing is how much I Love Love LOVE every stage of their lives (well, we could skip the 3's, but that's another story - grumps and grrr's to all the mom's who didn't warn me about them b4 i got there!).
I've spent hours of one-on-one time with each of my girls, and it's paying off. My daughter will sit and talk to me and open her heart to me. I LOVE every moment of their lives and being their Mom!
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